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I am through with it! I no longer wish to listen to lovesick pals narrate in painstaking detail how a sexy a**hole they met in Bungalow 8 or Chinawhite casually bulldozed her heart and ego into oblivion. I simply don’t have what it takes to patiently hear one more account about a slick bad boy with a summer house in the Hamptons and a yacht anchored off the Amalfi Coast, disappearing into the night after a quick shag. My brain chemistry reaches boiling temperatures as these teary eyed girls with empty expressions and quivering lower lips scan my face for traces of empathy. During these highly dramatics episodes, I often end up babbling something about getting over it, and finding the more deserving fish in the sea; but, I finally have to come clean, because, after all, only the truth can set us free (insert here the Hallelujah chorus). Here is what I really believe: Women are solely responsible for the existence of these serial womanizers, otherwise known as playboys. After all, what would a hunter be without his prey?

Don’t get me wrong, I am neither a feminazi nor a frigid spinster. I believe men and women alike have the right to go out there and have no-strings-attached sex (preferably underscored by earth-shaking orgasms), if they are honest about their true intentions. That said, going after weak-minded females with sweet promises of a happily-ever-after is just low.

Even more aggravating than the shamelessness of playboys' relentless pursuit is the overabundance of women drawn to these men like soon-to-be-singed moths to a flame. Without a single exception, all my friends are repeat offenders, completely incapable of learning from romantic mistakes. If these talented, educated, and beautiful women would halt their grief induced Hagen Daaz binges for a minute and follow their pretty little Manolo Blahnik missteps back to square one, they would see clearly see a pattern here. But, having once sipped from the intoxicating elixir of denial, most prefer to remain blind.

Since a lady’s learning curve seem to flat line at the first sight of a smooth operator, it is imperative to identify some of the tried and true tricks these beautiful losers carry up their sleeves. Consider it a public service.

Marks of Playboys

  1. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, playboys are dashing creatures surrounded by an impenetrable cloud of self-confidence.
  2. Playboys look aloof, disinterested, and mysterious.
  3. Playboys dress impeccably and often sport a golden bronze tan.
  4. Playboys flaunt their hot stuff in jet set hangouts all over the world like, Capri, Courchevel, Mykonos, Acapulco, St. Moritz, Aspen, and Monte Carlo.
  5. Playboys travel in packs. They are always accompanied by a wingman that’s also looking to get some action.
  6. Playboys can easily be distinguished by their overtly pretentious names like Clayton Henry Bernard Worchester Worthington IV.
  7. Playboys emanate a strong musk of red-hot desire, sexuality, and animal attraction.
  8. Playboys are smooth talkers. They don’t stutter and they don’t hesitate. They look their trophy straight in the eye and mouth off exactly what she needs to hear with unassailable certainty. They have no qualms about making promises they cannot keep.
  9. Playboys make memorable first impressions.
  10. Playboys hold the promise of wild adventures, unforgettable escapes, and heart pounding new experiences.
  11. Playboys have only one mission in life and that is to score.
  12. Playboys never take prisoners.

Identifying playboys is much easier than warding off their shameless advances. The fairer sex’s vulnerability to the playboys stems from women’s eagerness to be swept off their feet by a prince in shining white armor (or in this case a dazzling white Bentley). Interestingly enough, this desire to experience something completely special is often taken over by the unreasonable conviction that she could be the perfect one for the cad. And herein lies the existentialist conundrum. Women mistakenly believe that they can tame playboys, but ironically playboys are defined by their inability to commit. Furthermore, if an a**hole with a fat check book, a trust fund and a Swiss Bank account suddenly did agree to buckle under and sign up for a brownstone, a Benz wagon and 1.5 kids, his allure would dissipate like the morning fog.

In his controversial paperback, A Complete ***hole’s Guide to Handling Chicks author, Karl Marks, lists 50 tips on being a better a**hole. Some of his more interesting pieces of advice include, “Women give sex to get love. Men give love to get sex”, “Deny, deny, deny, deny”, and “You can cheat, but be discreet”. The verdict is clear, all men looking to get laid by as many women as possible are bad news and you know it. If you want to have an easy, breezy fling with a man of questionable morals and a fleeting heart, be my guest, but please first accept the inevitable heartache….unless you dump him first. In which case, the beast with the mammoth ego will come crawling back for more. But, let me say: you will not have too long to bask in your glory.

Some of readers might wonder how I can claim to know the inner workings of the playboy’s twisted mind. Well, for one thing, I grew up with them. I have witnessed such men’s evolution into complete jerkdom first hand. I have seen them brush off girlfriends like yesterday’s trash because they did not belong to the right country club. To this day I always wondered why. And, when I tried to get some answers by grilling buddies over pina coladas after a round of tennis, they would flash a sly smile and pronounce, “Darling stop being so naïve. Show me one gorgeous girl and I will show you a guy who is tired of f**king her.” Finally, I think I have the answer. It’s just because they can.

Quite frankly, the only fate worse than being dumped by a handsome playboy is ending up with one. It is one thing to be briefly deceived by one of these sperm-whale pant wearing fellows, but it is another to be abused by their egotism, selfishness, womanizing and ill-treatment for the foreseeable future. Trust me; even the most captivating infatuation fizzles out after a while and you see your partner for who he is. In order to avoid being a chapter in Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why, be thankful that your bad boy has taken off for the next society blonde in line. See this is your opportunity to start looking for someone who will one day put you before himself.


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