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On paper he is Mr. Perfect. Your friends simply adore him. His mesmeric gaze ignites a bonfire in the core of your soul, but the explosion you breathlessly await never detonates in the bed room. Then you have got to start wondering, “Are we sexually compatible?”

Don’t get me wrong. I am not referring to a bad one-night fling, with whom one has disappointing, misguided, embarrassing, and doused-in-vodka sex. I am talking about an oasis in the desert of destructive relationships; the kind of man you envision in your darkest moment of self-doubt. He waltzes into your life and sweeps you off your stilettos with romantic dates torched by tender caresses. Finally, after a delectable candle lit dinner complete with a bottle of vine, he ends up in your bed, officially culminating the red-hot pursuit. Sounds like a happily ever after? Think again.

When the volcanic eruption you anticipate turns out to be fizzle, look back and try to figure out where you took a wrong turn. However before dissecting everything, it is important to recognize that this kind of a dilemma is relatively new to our sex. Not so long ago, a great majority of our kind quietly put up with bad sex, often entertaining thoughts of needle-pointing and pie baking during intercourse. Thankfully, the sexual liberation movement has alerted our kind to the fact that we too are entitled to and deserving of sexual pleasure. In this day and age, to settle for anything less would simply be heresy.

Though, amazing, mind-blowing, incredible sex is a cause worth pursuing, haste and impatience in this terrain could work against you. The chances that any first ‘union’ will knock either participants socks off is slim to none, for, let’s face it, initially, both parties are fumbling in the dark—literally and metaphorically. A technique, position, or approach that might light fireworks for someone, could rub another completely the wrong way. In this juncture, throwing in the towel and admitting defeat is the worst possible resolution.

The sexually enlightened authors of the book, The Big Bang and Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen, Emma Thompson and Lorelei Sharkey proclaim:

“There are so many factors at play when it comes to sexual compatibility. Sex isn't just about two bits fitting together, it's about chemistry, attraction, pheromones, politics, dogs vs. cats, kissing styles, creativity, emotional sensitivity, intelligence, sense of humor, birth control p references, kink factor, body mass index, hygiene, bed sheet thread count, STD tests, self esteem, stamina, exhibitionism, and asparagus intake — most of which you can't determine before the blessed event (which is why we're big fans of premarital sex).

Cracking such a complicated equation, with numerous variables, right off the bat is a hard feat to accomplish. Don’t get discouraged right away. Keep the lines of communication open and be honest. Let your partner know what you sends you flying over the edge. Hopefully, the object of your affection is not plagued by some misguided porn-induced conviction that all women have earth-shaking orgasm from intercourse alone, and he will be open to new suggestions. Still, as a precautionary measure, bring up the matter outside of the bedroom, so that he does not feel put on the spot to deliver results. Finally, avoid any insinuation that might run over his ego. After all, despite their hard exterior, men can be extremely sensitive and insecure. Or as Em&Lo put it, “ Despite the hard, crunchy shell, their egos are like vulnerable, orphaned, fluffly little ducklings.”

Finally, be forewarned that in the real world, persistence does not always triumph over impediments. If Mr. Right consistently proves to be Mr. Wrong in bed, you simply have got to move on. Famous sex therapist Dr. Hellen Kaplan writes, “We are a binding species like the birds.” So go out there and continue to search for your bird of a feather kinda lover.




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