am through with it! I no longer wish to listen to lovesick pals narrate
in painstaking detail how a sexy a**hole they met in Bungalow 8 or Chinawhite
casually bulldozed her heart and ego into oblivion. I simply don’t
have what it takes to patiently hear one more account about a slick bad
boy with a summer house in the Hamptons and a yacht anchored off the
Amalfi Coast, disappearing into the night after a quick shag. My brain
chemistry reaches boiling temperatures as these teary eyed girls with
empty expressions and quivering lower lips scan my face for traces of
empathy. During these highly dramatics episodes, I often end up babbling
something about getting over it, and finding the more deserving
fish in the sea; but, I finally have to come clean, because, after all,
only the truth can set us free (insert here the Hallelujah chorus). Here
is what I really believe: Women are solely responsible for the existence
of these serial womanizers, otherwise known as playboys. After all, what
would a hunter be without his prey?
Don’t get me wrong, I am neither a feminazi
nor a frigid spinster. I believe men and women alike have the right
to go out there and have no-strings-attached sex (preferably underscored
by earth-shaking orgasms), if they are honest about their true intentions.
That said, going after weak-minded females with sweet promises of a
happily-ever-after is just low.
Even more aggravating than the shamelessness
of playboys' relentless pursuit is the overabundance of women drawn
to these men like soon-to-be-singed moths to a flame. Without
a single exception, all my friends are repeat offenders, completely
incapable of learning from romantic mistakes. If these talented, educated,
and beautiful women would halt their grief induced Hagen Daaz binges
for a minute and follow their pretty little Manolo Blahnik missteps
back to square one, they would see clearly see a pattern here. But,
having once sipped from the intoxicating elixir of denial, most prefer
to remain blind.
Since a lady’s learning curve seem to flat line
at the first sight of a smooth operator, it is imperative to identify
some of the tried and true tricks these beautiful losers carry up their
sleeves. Consider it a public service.
Marks of Playboys
- Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, playboys are dashing
creatures surrounded by an impenetrable cloud of self-confidence.
- Playboys look aloof, disinterested, and mysterious.
- Playboys dress impeccably and often sport a golden bronze tan.
- Playboys flaunt their hot stuff in jet set hangouts all over the
world like, Capri, Courchevel, Mykonos, Acapulco, St. Moritz, Aspen,
and Monte Carlo.
- Playboys travel in packs. They
are always accompanied by a wingman that’s also looking to
get some action.
- Playboys can easily be distinguished by their overtly pretentious
names like Clayton Henry Bernard Worchester Worthington IV.
- Playboys emanate a strong musk of red-hot desire, sexuality, and
- Playboys are smooth talkers.
They don’t stutter and they don’t
hesitate. They look their trophy straight in the eye and mouth off
exactly what she needs to hear with unassailable certainty. They have
no qualms about making promises they cannot keep.
- Playboys make memorable first impressions.
- Playboys hold the promise of wild adventures, unforgettable escapes,
and heart pounding new experiences.
- Playboys have only one mission in life and that is to score.
- Playboys never take prisoners.
playboys is much easier than warding off their shameless advances. The
fairer sex’s vulnerability to the playboys stems
from women’s eagerness to be swept off their feet by a prince in
shining white armor (or in this case a dazzling white Bentley). Interestingly
enough, this desire to experience something completely special is often
taken over by the unreasonable conviction that she could be the perfect
one for the cad. And herein lies the existentialist conundrum. Women
mistakenly believe that they can tame playboys, but ironically playboys
are defined by their inability to commit. Furthermore,
if an a**hole with a fat check book, a trust fund and a Swiss Bank account
suddenly did agree to buckle under and sign up for a brownstone, a Benz
wagon and 1.5 kids, his allure would dissipate like the morning fog.
In his controversial paperback, A Complete ***hole’s Guide to
Handling Chicks author, Karl Marks, lists 50 tips on being a better a**hole.
Some of his more interesting pieces of advice include, “Women give
sex to get love. Men give love to get sex”, “Deny, deny,
deny, deny”, and “You can cheat, but be discreet”.
The verdict is clear, all men looking to get laid by as many women as
possible are bad news and you know it. If you want to have an easy, breezy
fling with a man of questionable morals and a fleeting heart, be my guest,
but please first accept the inevitable heartache….unless you dump
him first. In which case, the beast with the mammoth ego will come crawling
back for more. But, let me say: you will not have too long to bask in
Some of readers might wonder how I can claim to
know the inner workings of the playboy’s twisted mind. Well, for one thing, I grew up with
them. I have witnessed such men’s evolution into complete jerkdom
first hand. I have seen them brush off girlfriends like yesterday’s
trash because they did not belong to the right country club. To this
day I always wondered why. And, when I tried to get some answers by grilling
buddies over pina coladas after a round of tennis, they would flash a
sly smile and pronounce, “Darling stop being so naïve. Show
me one gorgeous girl and I will show you a guy who is tired of f**king
her.” Finally, I think I have the answer. It’s just because
Quite frankly, the only fate worse than being dumped
by a handsome playboy is ending up with one. It is one thing to be briefly
deceived by one of these sperm-whale pant wearing fellows, but it is
another to be abused by their egotism, selfishness, womanizing and ill-treatment
for the foreseeable future. Trust me; even the most captivating infatuation
fizzles out after a while and you see your partner for who he is. In
order to avoid being a chapter in Men Who Hate Women and the
Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why,
be thankful that your bad boy has taken off for the next society
blonde in line. See this is your opportunity to start looking for someone
who will one day put you before himself.