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PARIS Spring 2004

So sad for those who had planned a lovely Sunday in Montecito dining on lobster and caviar, weeping over the tender sentiments of the bride and groom, and just generally bonding the way people do at weddings and Burning Man.

Shock, shock, shock for those who believe true love and happy endings. I asked an exceedingly well-placed Hollywood source what she thought (and, trust me, she would know) about the Ben - JLo "situation" (everything is a "situation" in Hollywood these days). Here's what she had to say, "Hey, Ben's a wild guy, not Mr. Domesticity, but he's really very warmhearted and generous. He can't help himself - the forever and ever gives him hives, claustrophobia - you name it. He thought the J. Lo hook-up would be a career sizzler, and when Gigli bombed, he started getting worried. Next thing we know, he's getting bad spin from the stripper. So how's a guy going to have any fun? Stay single. Then what can they say?"

She and I agreed that of all the reams of material written on the subject, the funniest came from the World Entertainment News Network: "The reported postponement will be a blow to Affleck's best pal Matt Damon, who was flying back from the Czech Republic, where he's currently filming The Brothers Grimm, especially for the big day." Sure. A blow to end all blows. Major jet lag to attend a wedding when he's notably tepid about the bride. Most likely wearing the smile that won't come off: Chris Judd. Remember him? J. Lo's husband when she met Ben on the Gigli set?

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If you go to a future celeb wedding, what will you wear on the plane? Want to hear about some celeb airport outfits? Keanu Reeves: navy blue T-shirt, blazer, jeans, and black carry-on. Halle Berry: navy blue velours track suit, baseball cap, dark glasses, LV carry-on. Brad Pitt: navy blue parachute cloth

track suit, navy blue ski cap, black carry-on toted on shoulder. Tote designer unidentifiable. Do you get the idea that navy blue's the airport color? All above celebs flew commercial, by the way, though, of course, first class.

Call them unusual. Most celebs, including the aforementioned J. Lo and Ben fly Marquis Jet, an elite airplane charter service complete with concierge. Expensive, true, but don't worry. Bicycle riding is just as in style these days as charter flights.

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Do you love your bike but want a higher salary? Guess who's making the big money this year? Business types and selected professionals, as usual. Next in line: personal stylists and some hairdressers and make-up artists, luxury hotel managers, cargo plane pilots - people who fly Fed Ex, for example.

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Simple living: In "A.L.T.," Andre Talley's new memoir, he tells us that the day after Diana Vreeland had Diana Ross to dinner, Diana R. sent Diana V. a thank-you gift: a Faberge egg cup, purchased from a Fifth Avenue seller of precious Russian things. "Mrs. Vreeland promptly brought the cup into her bathroom, where she proudly used it as a Q-tip holder," writes Talley.

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Maybe you'd better pencil this in your calendar rather than using indelible ink, but Liz Hurley, queen of the Chessex girls, is shopping, preening, and blissful over her planned February weddings (in both Bombay and London) to Arun Nayar, who reportedly divorced his wife for her, though some wags on the subcontinent of India joke that any number of other women _ models, showgirls, you know, fun types _ could claim credit for the split. Or at least a share in it. Que sabe?

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The Franklin Mint created a series of princess Diana dolls that dehumanize her, freezing her in the overly hair sprayed and made up look of the time, a look she had abandoned after the split with Chuck. The embarrassing (to me) Franklin Mint people won the right to make the dolls by defeating the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund in court. The poor fund trustees had to pay heavy legal fees and court costs. This past November, the Franklin Mint filed a suit of its own, claiming it was the victim of a malicious legal campaign by the charity to force it to stop making Princess Diana plates and dolls. Now the mint is seeking about $25 million and an unspecified amount in punitive damages from the foundation. So gentlemanly, Franklin people.

The Princess Diana fund has pledged $82 million to more than 120 different organizations in the past five years, including the Council for Disabled Children, a group promoting disability rights, and the Children of the Andes, a London-based project that aids Colombian children.

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The best selling nonfiction book in the UK these days is Diana, Secrets and Lies by Nicholas Davies, who had the courage to take on the House of Windsor and the English secret service. He makes the most definitive case yet that Diana's death was orchestrated by those that wanted her out of the picture, particularly her former in-laws. His facts, sources, and details will convince even the most skeptical. A must-read.

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Want to hear a few good quotes? How about these?

"Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football." Fran Lebowitz.

"I think the biggest misconception about me is that I'm this spoiled brat. But I'm not. I'm, like, the total opposite." - New York party animal/girl toy Paris Hilton in Maxim magazine.

"Britney wears too much makeup, JLo is boring and works out too much and Christina Aguilera cheapens herself to make everybody look at her" - Charlotte Church, angelic songbird, in the Mirror of London.

"I could find a cure for cancer, but I will always be the guy who got his head stuffed in a bowling bag." - Joe Pantoliano, who met his end as Ralphie on The Sopranos last season.

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Here's some late breaking must-haves to add to your shopping bags: Lenscrafters' featherWates SPF are the only prescription sunglasses approved by the American Skin Cancer Foundation. Better get a pair, you sun lovers, because those warm rays can also cause cataracts and macular degeneration, the leading cause of blindness. You'll also want seaweed wrap to slim and firm cellulite, since the seaweed's amino acids that penetrate and rejuvenate the skin. For sweet-smelling breath, ditch the Bianca and Altoids and find some toothpaste with zinc. A recent French study claims zinc acts against bad-breath causing sulpher compounds. Suspicious, I checked to see if La Belle France is a leading producer of zinc, but apparently not.